Some of you may be too young to remember the one and only time I ever went on a date with someone I met on OKCupid, and on that occasion, I foolishly stated that, despite being nonplussed by the proceedings, I did not regret going on that date.
Well, friends, I retract that statement. I regret going on that date.
I have not once since that date initiated contact with this guy. I have not texted him, I have not facebooked him, I have not reminisced fondly about him. And yet, he has now twice contacted me out of the blue to ask me out again.
The previous time (you may recall) was on Christmas Day. The second time, friends, was this morning.
It started out as a simple “Hey, this is random, but how are you?” yet quickly devolved into “I’d love to see you again.” Which, like, why?
But, y’know, whatever. It’s fine. I’m cool.
So I spent several minutes trying to think of the gentlest yet most concrete way of shutting this thing down, and decided to go with a simple truth:
My present relationship life is complicated, and I don’t want to be going out with other people. Going out one-on-one for dinner or drinks with a guy I met through an online dating site — even if his intentions are purely friendly — is not a grey area I want to be in.
I thought that was a pretty good response. It establishes that I’m not single and that I’m not going to meet him alone for any reason while also controlling for the otherwise-inevitable “I wasn’t asking you on a date. We could go for drinks as friends.”
But then he texts me back and asks (if I don’t mind him asking) what I mean by “complicated” and if I’m still seeing [my on-and-off boyfriend], who he knew in high school.
Which, to me, is the height of presumption.
Yes, I do mind you asking. I have never once tried to contact you, I don’t want to discuss the details of my private life with you, and it’s extremely presumptuous of you to ask about it at all.
Which, of course, there is no polite way to say. You’re not supposed to say “I do mind you asking,” or “It’s not your place to ask that.”
But, honestly, I’d rather make him uncomfortable by telling him he’s being rude than sit here with my stomach churning as I try to figure out how much I am socially mandated to divulge.
So then he texts me back.
Does he say, “I’m sorry, that was rude of me”?No, he says,
"Alright then. I will remove your number from my contacts. I hope that everything works out for you, and that is not be being a dick I actually wish you the best."
Which, like, great. Please, delete my number. Do not call me again. But also, if I just told you (in the most firm but polite way I could manage) that you overstepped a boundary, it is good form to apologize.
|Cheesecake Guy:||I know the last time I asked you this you said you had a lot going on but, I was wondering if you wanted to get a bite to eat or grab drinks one night? I would love to see you again and I miss having conversations with you.|
Social app: Tango. I pointed out women are still unequal in pay in response to his idea of me cooking dinner for our first date instead of him going out to dinner. His reason being: Its the 21st century. Sure…but then this was his reasoning for why women aren’t equal in pay.
Holy fuck this guy is an asshole. Though honestly, my first red flag would have been the suggestion that we have our first date at home, because everyone ought to be aware that that could easily make a person feel unsafe.
So, apparently I failed to post this to the blog, but three weeks after my date at The Cheesecake Factory, Cheesecake Factory Guy (CGF) texted me a basic, “Hey, how are you doing?” which I elected not to respond to because it had been three weeks and I had thought our mutual silence meant we were mutually agreed that it hadn’t worked out.
That was at the end of September.
Well, yesterday I woke up to a “Merry Christmas” text message from CFG. I went ahead an assumed it had been part of some mass-texting action (that’s a thing people do, right?), and so I figured I’d just mass-text “Merry Christmas” back, because it’s Christmas and I’m not as awful as I seem on this blog.
EXCEPT THEN HE STARTS TEXTING ME BACK
Which, I mean, okay, it was just basic, “Hey, how are you? It’s been a while? How are things?”
Like, basic civil conversation stuff, but the simple fact remains that I sent a cursory “Merry Christmas” and wasn’t really looking to reconnect.
But, in the spirit of being less awful than I am on this blog (and also, y’know, Christmas), I made polite conversation for a bit.
AND THEN HE ASKS IF I WANT TO GET LUNCH OR DINNER SOMETIME BECAUSE IT WOULD BE NICE TO SEE [ME] AGAIN.
AND IN MY HEAD I’M JUST LIKE, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME REJECT YOU ON CHRISTMAS. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME DO THIS ON CHRISTMAS?”
None of which I actually said to him.
What I actually said was, “I’m really busy. Sorry.”
Which is actually true — I’ve barely had time to see all the people I want to see — but I also have no illusions about it reading like a cheap cop-out.
But I really do not want to see this guy again, and I also didn’t want to say, “Actually, I’d rather not see you again,” because that seems rude and it was Christmas.
ladytempeststorm asked: I would love to submit! I actually have a series of notes on my fb titled "The Adventures of Online Dating" and I am currently up to chapter 12. However I don't have any actual screen shots have have deleted all of my old messages. Can I submit just text? BTW I thought I was the only one who attracted the type of guys you do. Thank you for showing that it's not just me!
Just text is fine!
geeksaurusrex said: Would taking a break from it without necessarily deleting it suffice?
(In response to this post.)
Not really, because that’s basically what I’ve been doing for the past several weeks, and I still get emails a couple times a week saying that somebody has messaged me or rated me highly.
Let me tell you about my fun evening yesterday.
R and I went to an adventure bar to hang out with a few of her friends. An adventure bar, apparently, is a combination bar/arcade, where they’ll serve you a delicious Tom Collins and then let you play black light mini golf and climb a rock wall. We were meeting up with a few of R’s friends, but they were all late so we were there for a bit on our own as well. We each got a drink and split an order of wings, and sat around for 45 minutes talking about cosplay and quoting Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella. And then when people showed up we went and climbed the rock wall, wearing climbing harnesses that make you feel like Lara Croft. It was a fun time.
But I’ve noticed that I don’t really have a lot of patience these days for interacting with men. R’s female friends I got along fine with. The guys in the group I just kept feeling annoyed by. And I think that at least part of that is that I’ve gotten so sick of dealing with the bullshit that is OkCupid, and I’ve gotten used to noticing things early on that indicate that this is a guy I will not get along well with. So I think I need to take a break from the online dating game until I’ve built up more patience for that.
And honestly, at this point, I don’t feel like my social life needs to include dating. I’m cool with sitting around talking with friends about princess movies. Sure, I miss sex, but I can get by without it. And I don’t miss it enough to continue wading through the OkCupid sea of despair.
When people find it unacceptable that I know things.
Looking at my recent visitors this morning, there was one who was my age, fairly cute, and a 99% match. And, of course, 3000 miles away. But I went to check out his profile anyway figuring it still wouldn’t hurt to rate him highly, since I’ve heard that OKC shows you more attractive matches if you’ve got a high rating.
Then I went to check out the unacceptable answers.
Now, first of all, this is a guy who thinks that intelligence and knowledge are important considerations:
But then if you know things he doesn’t, suddenly that’s uncool:
These questions are all literally just “Do you know this thing?” And when I answer with “Yes, this is a thing I know about” it’s apparently unacceptable. To a guy who also finds it unacceptable that I *don’t* watch as much educational TV as he does. This just doesn’t make any sense to me.