Have you heard of Slipper? (www.slipperapp.com) What is your opinion on apps that judge whether it’s worth it to meet people based on a “hot or not” mentality vs. ones that celebrate moments in human interaction; like missed connections (as Slipper does)?
(submitted by wednesdaysatnoon4)
My feeling is that neither of those things is really an accurate way to judge relationship compatibility. Physical attraction and good interactions are both important ingredients in a relationship, but “hot or not” basically completely ignores personality, and “missed connections” (as I understand it) basically attempts to manufacture a movie-style romance. ”We saw each other across a crowded train platform, her smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, then her train came and she left and I never even got her name.” Or “We had a pleasant conversation in a coffee shop about the book we were both reading, then she had to leave for an appointment before I got a chance to ask for her number.” It’s attempting to use moments in human interaction to spark a relationship, but small moments like these are a dime a dozen and don’t actually reveal anything about your compatibility with the other person.
Much as I grumble about the quality of messages I receive on OkCupid, I do think that overall they’ve got a good system in place. You can find people with mutual interests and you can tell fairly easily from the match questions whether there are any topics you seriously disagree on. From there you can either email for a while or jump straight to coffee to see how well you get along in an actual conversation. That to me seems like a better system than chasing an illusion based on a few minutes of pleasant conversation with a random stranger.
Oh. My. Gawd.
I had this thought a while ago but I’m finally putting it into words. I think I finally figured out why guys constantly feel compelled to tell me how ‘cool’ it is that I’m tall and how much they like tall girls. They think they are assuring me that it’s OK….because I’m ashamed of being tall. That I don’t like it.
I love being tall. I’ve never let it stand it the way of whoever I want to date (although I do prefer taller men) and it always helps with life in general. Shelves, they are my bitches. And, more to the point, nobody has ever made me feel BAD about being tall.
Now maybe I’m reading into this too much, but seriously. Guys tell me all the time, in a manner that suggests they are giving me a unique compliment or saying something new and positive that’s assuaging some age-old guilt or insecurity by telling me my height is awesome. And I can’t help but either think “Yeah….I know….” or “Um…why should I fucking care what you think about any part of my body?”
It’s like if someone says “omg I LOVE blue eyes” and then looks at your like they’ve made this groundbreaking statement that is so rare and unique. How are you supposed to respond to that? “OK? Well…I have them, so….yay for you?”
And it’s ALMOST ALWAYS shorter guys, too. Short guys say “btw, I love that ur tall” as in, “btw, don’t feel that you are ugly or too gangly for me, this awesome specimen of man." You never get that from a tall guy. If tall guys say it, it’s still a positive thing but it’s always so much more casual and is more often than not about how they don’t have to bend over double to hug or kiss a girl. They’re still thrilled about it, but there isn’t that short-guy thuuurst.
I used to get guys reassuring me that they thought it was cool that I’m a nerd (or that they are also nerds, so hooray for things in common or whatever). Then I changed that line to say “I am a nerd and proud of it,” and since then I don’t think I’ve had anybody comment on the fact that I’m a nerd. Might help to change the line about your height to something that more accurately captures the spirit of the “shelves are my bitches” thing?
I don’t get why guys think that first messages have to be unique or crazy or whatever. They just have to NOT SUCK. Talking about only yourself (stuff I could have easily read in your profile) instead of asking questions or even feigning interest? That counts as sucking.
"They just have to NOT SUCK."
It doesn’t seem like it should be that big of a thing to ask, and yet at least 90% of the messages that guys send trying to start a conversation do, in fact, suck.
I love it when they promise intelligent conversation in a bland message that is completely devoid of content.
You missed an opportunity to message them back saying that you ARE interested in “someone with whom you can have fun, as well as have an intelligent conversation,” but that based on their profile and message, they are not that person.
Because their message just says to message back if that’s what you want, not if you think they can provide it.
Even if casual sex is a thing I might be interested in, I am not just going to agree to casual sex with a random stranger on OkCupid. I don’t care if you look like Adonis’s cuter brother. If I haven’t taken at least a bit of time to talk to you, I am not going to agree to that.
Why not? BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHETHER YOU WOULD EVEN BE ANY GOOD IN BED.
I don’t know whether you can tell the difference between a pain noise and a pleasure noise. I don’t know whether you care about telling the difference.
I don’t know whether you’ll treat me like a person or like a toy that exists for your pleasure.
I don’t know whether you’ll listen when I ask you to stop doing something.
I don’t know whether you understand the importance of cuddling afterwards. For all I know you’ll just get up and leave and leave me there feeling miserable and used.
If I am going to fool around with someone I’m not dating, it’s going to be someone I trust, and someone who I know cares about me as a person and wants me to have a good time. Someone who makes the effort to let me know I’m safe with them. Not some random dude from OkCupid who thinks that a request for casual sex is an appropriate way to start the conversation.
Ok but seriously.
"if not its cool i get it"
This is just really annoying me.
I do not need your permission to not be interested in casual sex with you, teenager I’ve never interacted with before. Like, yes, it is better than being an asshat about being rejected, but it comes off as implying I need permission to reject you. And you’ve already been an asshat by disregarding literally my entire profile when you sent that message.
Casual sex is not on the list of things I am looking for.
You are multiple years younger than the youngest I am interested in talking to.
We are 31% enemies according to OkCupid’s match algorithm.
If your goal was to come off as being explicitly Not A Dick, you failed.
Dude is NINETEEN YEARS OLD. I am 24. NO.